Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
The remark killed me.
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It occurs to me...
73 posts
• Page 4 of 5 • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
The remark killed me. "When in doubt, tell the truth."
Mark Twain
The Train Ride
One day after a war was over, a general and a private were riding a train home, and the private was sitting in an aisle seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station, when he looks up, and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen walk in the car, and she's coming closer, and closer, finally she takes the seat directly across the aisle, and he gives her one of those cool smooth looks, and then he looks down the aisle again and sees....Grandma (who is a stout woman) coming over. Now she has seen the look from the private to her granddaughter, and gives the girl a little shove and the girl has to move over to the window seat. The private is more than a little disappointed because his view has just gone from gorgeous, to old and ugly. About an hour into the ride, They came into this tunnel, and it's pitch black in the train, you hear this smoooooch, then SMACK. The Beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!" The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the NERVE of that young man, really, kissing my granddaughter! I am sooo glad she slapped him!" The general is thinking, "I am so proud of my private, he saw an opportunity, and he seized the opportunity, I just wish her grandma would have hit him instead of me!" The young private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest man in the world, I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and I got to deck my general without getting in trouble for it."  www.youtube.com/user/jimcarreyonline
These are some of my favorite witticisms....
Born free... taxed to death. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If, a two letter word for futility To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I have the body of a god... Buddha! I get enough exercise pushing my luck. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off. Here's a few jokes...... A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren." A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
Ok, I'm going to have a really hot shower.
When I come back there better be some funny stuff here. I've worried way too much most of the day and I need a laugh. "When in doubt, tell the truth."
Mark Twain
Lil' Johnny on Politics
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." www.youtube.com/user/jimcarreyonline
http://www.dorks.com/html/Manamana-Muppets-Video.html
http://www.dorks.com/html/Really-Funny-Dog-Video.html http://www.dorks.com/html/Tuff-Fishy.html http://www.dorks.com/html/Crazy-Head-Guy.html http://www.dorks.com/html/Drunk-Bush-Video.html http://www.dorks.com/html/Busted-Santa-Video.html www.youtube.com/user/jimcarreyonline
you sound like a sheep laughing
OMG somebody get that man some singing lessons and lyrics! Quirky Mennemanah is giving me a earworm where can I get the theme to "I Dream of Genie"? www.youtube.com/user/jimcarreyonline
Always sentiment to remind me.... "When in doubt, tell the truth."
Mark Twain
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