Heartbroken...

[Janel]

Well, I am in a new place regarding the demise of my marriage. I am finally facing facts that my heart wasn't capable of handling previously, I guess.

The idea that my husband (we are not yet divorced--he won't pay for it and at first I insisted that he take care of it since he was the one who left. I have since realized that I am obviously going to need to get it over with and have almost saved up enough to file) has rented a home with another woman--planned this, picked a house, packed, unpacked all their things together and hung her pictures of she and her children--it's taking up all the space in my brain. My chest literally aches with the pain of a family destroyed. I know that many feel that I should just "move on". I can "move ahead" with life--I must. My kids need a mother that responds to life in a way that they can learn strength and hope from, not lashing out, or sleeping around, or wallowing forever in depression. A mother I can be.

But to "move on" and look for a man as if finding just that right person will bring all the love my heart longs for...well, I know that it just doesn't happen. I could wish it, but we all know that humans bring their own luggage and complicate life further. That is not what my kids need right now. In the meantime, my pain is so physical that I look for symptoms in the medical book. I know it is just heartbreak that causes my chest to feel as if it is caving in, but why do I feel so bereft? He held me in disdain for years being embarrassed of me, always thinking I was dumb or foolish. He even called me the other day and said that something I had told a neighbor was "making me look foolish". I LIKE me, I think I am pretty ok, an interesting, beautiful person ........why do I need to convince HIM that this is so? The idea that our children will never get to enjoy another Christmas with their family together, just day to day things, really, with all of us enriching each other's lives--and yet--he wouldn't take part in our lives ANYWAY......someone tell me....why does my heart break for something that apparently never was?

I lived each day the best I could, hoping (believing) that he would see that life filled with love and laughter is so rewarding. It was never enough. I want to deny that this has happened to me. I think I have denied that it was happening to me for many years. I just held on because I believed in my commitment--they aren't just words. They are a promise. I promised. And so did he. He broke his promise. And I am crushed that the family that I invested my blood and soul into, has been broken beyond repair. It has been left up to me to perservere as an example so that the kids will not see giving up as their only option. I won't quit. I have never hurt so profoundly.

I'm not a country music fan but I love Shania Twain.
It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

Hope life's been good to you since you've been gone
I'm doin fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not that bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not suprised just how well I've survived
I'm over the worst and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

CHORUS--(that I sing loud until tears spill.... )

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So--I hold my breath --to forget

Thanks for listening, kiddos--hope no one is depressed on account of me!! I know I am not alone--there are many with similar stories. We could make this our therapeutic thread..... All those who have experienced lost love join me for (as Fluffy would call it) a virtual huggle.......sigh

[lammy]

You don't have to convince someone of who you are and how much you matter...if they don't see then that is not your problem. I am sorry to hear and life has its down moments but it also has the moments where time stand still and you are alive-

Hope you find what you are looking for-

[Cheryl Anna]

Janel-
I am truly sorry about the loss of your marriage. Cheer up and be strong.
You should just let go of the life that you had with your husband: he has gone, and when he talks to you he is trying to belittle you. You don't need this abuse-you deserve better!!

[jimliker]

I am sorry about ur situation Janel

[Canadian Jayne]

often as women we give up everything(most things) we love to be or do and become, mother, wife, etc. Go back to where you were before you were married, become confident in yourself as just you. You're children are very important but they can't survive without you. So take care of yourself, eat, sleep right, take what few moments you can for yourself (whether just a quiet bath when the kids are asleep or whatever you can.
I listen to Delilah on the radio and she always has some good advice.
Men can't make us happy, we have to make ourselves happy first. But also oftimes we become unselfish, sometimes we need to be just as selfish as some men are. (I'm not male bashing, just trying to show the difference betwee men and women) Bring in the female friends that have survived the same ordeal and if needed get councelling. Do not be afraid or ashamed to do so. When I was first separated I would get the most terribble stomach aches when my ex came to see the kids, I was doubled up in pain everytime, now he has remarried and I actually feel relieved, thankful that he has filled his life with someone else. But sad that he has neglected some of his responsiblilites. When I went to councelling I went because I always seemed to be so negative towards my kids and felt I was taking the whole problem out on them, he gave me some really good advice, I seem to try to do everything, help everyone, the councellor suggested I get rid of some of the "not-so-important" things, take the stress of and don't get wrangled so much about things aren't really (when looking at the big picture) that important. It was eight years before my divorce came, the saddest thing is it took so long, all he had to do is just sign the papers and he just neglected to do so. If the relationship can be mutually repaired, do it, it not, move on. Consider yourself huggled, and prayed for.

[mav]

Janel, don't let this break your heart....easier said than done I know.
This too shall pass and you will survive. Time would heal. Try not to think much till then....analysing a loss can be very very depressing.

I have no words for men who break promises. It's beyond me that someone could break a family for such little reason. You have been hanging on and making the right effort, which he hasn't been able to....the problem is with him.

You have your children. That's a beautiful gift which many don't have.
Just hang in there and know we care for you.
-

[comicpisces11]

Hi there Janel.

You don't know me...I've just recently begun posting here and there, but I read your "heartbreak" story and it struck a chord within me. I have recently gone through the same thing. I was the most insecure person on the planet-nevermind the modeling career-I didn't believe anything anyone said about anything good about me, because I didn't yet know who I was. Now that I've found my own voice and am comfortable in my own skin I could care less about what people think..yet am in a relationship that started out with the judgements. Why did I put up with it? It started with "Why don't you eat sushi, why is it always steak and potatoes? How can you eat grilled cheese sandwhiches, gross". I am a comedian now and tend to get silly from time to time and then the looks would start..the "are you retarded?" looks, the "how did I find such a white trash girl?". Then it was "Why can't you read a novel, why do you own so many self-help books?" My boyfriend grew up with money...in Malibu, and all of his exes have trust funds. I grew up poor, moved to L.A. with nothing and became a janitor at a big auto mall...I now have respect for all of the hard work and sacrifice I put in...he looks down on it...as if it was unnecessary. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't go through with it. Someone else might look at my life in the past and have respect for me, someone else might look and go, "wow, I'm so glad you're not such a pain in the a$$ when it comes to eating (like every other girl in L.A.)". Eating is such a silly point, but that IS the point, when the little idiosyncrities that make me "me" annoy the man I am possibly going to share my life with, why am I still there? I enjoy simplicity. I'm not the only one. Not the right fit, he wasn't your soulmate.

Anywho, you have guts. Your kids need you. I know she is controversial, but i listen to "Dr. Laura" every once in a while and she has some good points. Bringing another man into the relationship right now would cause a lot of chaos in their lives. You may not feel like it now, but you can handle it. Believe you can and you will. Everything you need is yours. Your kids need YOU.

I see there are a lot of young girls on this board...duh, it's a celebrity gah gah board...so i thought it would be important to share this point. It's so important to get to know yourself first...date casually if you feel you need to meet guys/girls, but until you know and love yourself, how can you love someone else? That's like me saying, "Sure, I'll give you a ride in my Ferrari" but it has no gas in it. Sure it looks good, smells good, feels good, but it's not goin' anywhere. You sit in it for a while, it starts to get hot and you feel like if you don't get out, you'll suffocate. How dissapointing...you never got to see what it could do!!!

Good luck. The Universe has your back.

[comicpisces11]

OH-one more thing...if it helps, drive up the coast playing Tom Petty's song "Don't Come Around Here No More". Loop it. It usually helps me! If you drive far enough, I might see you. Just listen for the same song.

[Janel]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I journal a lot because it helps to write my feelings. And I pray a lot, it's an ongoing conversation with a forever faithful friend. But I really needed to have my fellow humans tell me I was ok and that they understood. *sigh* So nice to come home from work to your posts!

..yet am in a relationship that started out with the judgements. Why did I put up with it? It started with "Why don't you eat sushi, why is it always steak and potatoes? How can you eat grilled cheese sandwhiches, gross". ...I now have respect for all of the hard work and sacrifice I put in...he looks down on it...as if it was unnecessary. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't go through with it. Someone else might look at my life in the past and have respect for me, someone else might look and go, "wow, I'm so glad you're not such a pain in the a$$ when it comes to eating (like every other girl in L.A.)". Eating is such a silly point, but that IS the point, when the little idiosyncrities that make me "me" annoy the man I am possibly going to share my life with, why am I still there? I enjoy simplicity.

EXACTLY!!!!
And I love that Tom Petty song--my song to share is "Nah!" also by Shania Twain--look it up on the web--I love the words!!!

Thanks again everyone!!!!!!! :)luvluvluvluvluv

[nicesock!]

I too, unfortunately am going through the same thing. My (soon to be EX) husband had made me have to do all of the dissolution work. Luckly for me we have no children. I honestly cant imagine being in the situation you are in. All I can offer is a friendship, a shoulder to cry on and somebody to vent too. I wish you all the peace in the world during your time of struggle. You seem to have a good understanding of what needs to be done. It's amazing how you can know something in your head, but your heart just wont follow along with the plans. I will be praying for you.

[fluffy]

until you know and love yourself, how can you love someone else? That's like me saying, "Sure, I'll give you a ride in my Ferrari" but it has no gas in it. Sure it looks good, smells good, feels good, but it's not goin' anywhere. You sit in it for a while, it starts to get hot and you feel like if you don't get out, you'll suffocate. How dissapointing...you never got to see what it could do!!!

So you get out of that stifling car, and as you walk away you'll look behind you to see a clapped out old bucket..........It was never the Ferrari you thought it was..........the paintwork veneer has chipped and faded......... .....................
So you jump on the bus.............at least you know it's gonna get you somewhere..........even if it's not as luxurious.........

And yes Janel...........a group huggle is in order .........my one sadness is that we are an amazing bunch of people, survivors and kids alike.............it's sad that we'll never meet................
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my Tom Petty track of choice would be Learning to Fly.......

Well I started out down a dirty r oad
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
The town lit up the world got still

I’m learning to fly but I ain’t got wings
Comin’ down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn

I’m learning to fly but I ain’t got wings
Comin’ down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I started out for God kno ws where
But I guess I’ll know when I get there

I’m learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I’m learning to fly but I ain’t got wings
Comin’ down is the hardest thing
I’m learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I’m learning to fly
I’m learning to fly

i guess i'm learning to go with the flow and take the rough with the smooth.........and i know i'll have my ups and downs too..........but the downs make us stronger.......... .........so hang on in there Janel, keep affirming that you 'are amazing and strong'.........and one day you will truely believe it.............

fluffy

[comicpisces11]

Learning to Fly is the song I play over and over after I do a show somewhere and drive up to my "spot" and look at the city lights. Whether the show went good or bad, that song always makes everything feel "worth it". That's my favorite Petty song. Good choice!

[Canadian Jayne]

One never knows, I plan on seeing everyone that goes on here whether in real life or thereafter.
I refuse to say Never, just see you in Forever.

[Janel]

You wanna know what irritates me? (Actually, I am really being a big baby right now--EVERYTHING is irritating me! grrrr....)
I hate that I am going through all the "stages" that all the experts say that I will go through! The denial, the anger, the despair, the false hope, the helplessness, the new-found independance.....I hate that I am living out all the emotions and feelings that they said I would......man, it ruffles my feathers to think that I have been pegged by "experts"......

GRRRRR....

I would LOVE to hug each one of you in person.....my heart is so strengthened by your words and funnies........I too, refuse to say never!!!
Where should we plan our get-together? The Bahamas perhaps? Or Lammy's beautiful Puerto Rico? I would adore seeing Scotland! And India...........sigh

[mav]

mmm...Lammy's mom's restaurant sounds perfect for a get-together

For the time being, this place is the best to rock! ....for us babies.