My life is funny. Is everyone's life funny?

[carreyd away]

The other day I went to an antique and curiosity shop with Eve. (My cousin's girlfriend). For me, the antiquing experience is only wholly satisfying when my brother Matt is along. See, if it says "retro, 60's, 70's, space age" I love it. And I get to say to Matt, "Oooooh, ooooooh, LOOK!"
And he says, "@%^ #$%#^ $%^@@ are you sure you're our father's daughter?"

Anyway, I didn't need anything, but it was fun to look around. They have two stuffed peacocks, a stuffed fox and two stuffed armadillos. But the piece de resistance was this stuffed squirrell.

It was standing upright and smiling. It had on a little straw hat and it had a corn cob pipe in its little squirrell mouth. It was a real squirrell. And it had a fishing pole in its little squirrell hand. The pole had a real stuffed sunfish on the end of it standing in front of the squirrell.

It's not often something smacks that special combination of gruesome and hilarious.

I love modern. I love retro. I love taxidermied animals. My friend gave me a Jackalope and I LOVE it! I also own a black velvet Elvis painting and I own an autographed poster of Milli Vanilli. Jealous, aren't you! I probably would have purchased the squirrel!

[carreyd away]

OK, I just experienced one of the weirdest, comical events I think I've ever been to. My mother's best friend is in a tap dance group (who are all in their 70's) and they were in a performance that was a 2 hour tribute to Cole Porter. I love Cole Porter, and my mom's friend's dance group is actually pretty good. They've danced at the Olympics, at Disneyland and other places.

OK, so we get to the theatre, it is opening night. Place is packed. There are 3 groups performing in a mish mash play, an acting/singing group and two dance groups. It was an original play using all Cole Porter songs to tell the story. They called it, "Let's Misbehave!" Lights go down, curtain goes up and it suddenly becomes Waiting for Guffman. My mom, who is deaf on her left side and partially deaf on the right, suddenly she has trouble modulating her voice. It seems if she is in a crowded restaurant, she will whisper to a waiter, but for some reason tonight she was yelling throughout the show. "This is terrible!" "That woman can't keep up!" "Who is that woman singing?" I wasn't embarrased for some reason, instead tears were welling up in my eyes from supressing laughter. Then it happened. One of the dance groups (not my mom's friend's) has an average age of 73. They have been killing us with some of the slowest, stiffest dance numbers I have ever seen. They appear in French Can-Can outfits and start to do thier version of the Can-Can. They aren't trying to be cute or ironic, they are desperately trying to be sexy. There was a young guy in front of me who blurted, "Oh. My. GOD!" and I lost it! I had to bury my head to quiet the sobbing from hysterical laughter. The guy turned around to look at me and once again, in disbeleif, said, "OH. MY. GOD!" completely wide eyed. Everyone was shushing us and I could not stop. Finally, a few numbers later I got my breathing back to normal when the same dance group reappeared, this time as Burlesque dancers. They guy in front of me quickly spun around and said, "NO WAY!" I jumped up and ran out into the lobby. He followed. We watched it through the door's window and he finally said, "This could traumatize me to the point I may turn gay." I had to get a glass of water and splash water in my face so I could go back in. His girlfriend was really pissed off at him, but I'm glad I had an ally. Side note, my mom's friend's group was the show stopper. Probably because they were the only professionals...

[cotton]

lol Thats a good one!

[fluffy]

awe maan!!................i wish i'd been there.........lol

fluffy

[Jimenem]

[quirky]

I probably would have purchased the squirrel!

Over in Belgium at a flea market I saw this necklace. It was a plain silver chain with a large clear lucite pendant. In the pendant was a sea horse.

I bought it....but I've never worn it because I'm scared that someone from PETA will come and strangle me with it.

[quirky]

Last night on the way home the radio station played Tom Petty "Freefallin". After the song was over the DJ came on and said, "You know that song would be just perfect if you had a tree cutting removal service. *sings* Well it's Tree.....treefallin!"

And that's what happens just before you see people laughing all alone in their cars.

[quirky]

When I lived in Europe I was fortunate to be able to travel a lot. Sometimes spouses and children were invited on Dad's business trips. There was one business trip to Lisbon, Portugal and activities were arranged for spouses and kids while the men worked. Whenever his colleagues were in Brussels, Dad would have them over for dinner (biggest gathering was 80 people) so I knew all the guys pretty well.
Dad had been to Portugal alone before and I brought me home a tape of Florinda Maria singing fados. A fado is a traditional Portuguese song of sadness.

One night we were all in the port wine caves sampling port wine. The wife of the host sang us a lovely fado as we were imbibing. My dad cornered me and said, "I have to give a speech thanking the Portuguese on behalf of the U.S. Government...and I want you to translate it into French while I do it."

I said, "Nuh-uh Dad I don't wanna. My French isn't perfect and I'm too scared."

So a few minutes later my Dad stood up in front of the guests and said, "I want to give a speech and my daughter will translate it into French."

#$%$#%$%%&*&&$^!%@#$

But I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his colleages, so I went up to where he was.

After the typical thank-you's...he launched into a story saying that the last time he had been to Portugal he bought a tape from Florinda Maria and she said, "The next time you come to Lisbon I will give you a kiss."
And since the host's wife had sung a fado he would like to give her a kiss to fulfill the wish of the fado.

Well....the translation went well. Really without a hitch and then I went back to my seat and one of Dad's Canadian colleagues came over and said, "Jill....your translation was perfect, there's just one little thing you have to know...."Baiser"....the word you used for "kiss", has changed meanings over the years."

I said, "What do you mean, Madame Del Marmol taught is that "Baiser" was "to kiss".

He said it used to be, but now the French word for kiss was "embrasser".

The old word "baiser" now meant "to F&#$"

So I turned deeper and deeper shades of red when I realized what I'd said: "The fado told my father that the next time he came to Lisbon she would f#%^ him. But since the host's wife had sung a fado, he would like to F#$% her instead to fulfill the wish of the fado.

I was embarrassed for hours.

[fluffy]

OMG...................that's excellent...............really really funny........

fluffy

[quirky]

Only in restrospect, fluffs. ONLY in retrospect.

[quirky]

I have a new cell phone. I liked the old one (and had only recently learned to text message) but times change and I guess everyone's required to have the flip phone that shows pictures of Chicago (the city, not the band) so I've got the new one.

So I looked at the directions. First there are pages of cautions. One of the cautions actually says, "Do not put phone in microwave oven." I'm sorry, but "Duh"...and YOU KNOW that someone or possibly MORE than one person actually DID that for it to be featured in the cautions.

Another caution is "Do not use phone in areas of high explosives as they emit a spark."

This really is no problem for me because I don't put MYSELF, let alone MY PHONE in areas of "high explosives".

The caution that was MISSING was "Do not submerge phone in water". So am I to assume that I can go scuba diving and use the walkie-talkie feature. "Hank...lookout....shark at 3 o'clock. Over. "
"10-4 good buddy over and out."

Maybe they figured the "do not submerge" thing is common SENSE, unlike putting the phone in the microwave.

[fluffy]

LOL.................This is for real....................lol

October 11 2005 at 11:26AM

A German architect has filed an application for a new type of cement made of dog poo.

Friedrich Lentze, 57, from Berlin, applied for a patent for his "odourless heating and building material" made from the dog poo cleaned from the streets of the German capital every day.

He said: "They thought I was joking at first, but it makes economic sense as the stuff has to be collected anyway, so why not use it for something useful.

"The loads of dog poo that are gathered every day actually make a great mortar with fantastic insulating properties."

He says dung had for centuries been used as building material and he combined it with modern materials to come up with a new type of insulating cement.

The German patent office confirmed it has received the application but refuse to say whether it has been approved. - Ananova.com

fluffy

[quirky]

If you make a home for two families out of that material can you call it a "doo doo plex"?

At home I have a chicken thawing. I got it out of the freezer and looked at it and it says "Smart Chicken" it's organic and free range. But the label has a chicken head with a mortar board on. (graduation cap) and I'm thinking, "Gee....I hope they didn't kill the coop valedictorian just for us!"

[fluffy]

lol............we have a kind of free range bacon in Britain...... ..........

and on the pack it says it's from from "happy pigs'.....who live on the wild side.........lol.......
they have a cartoon pic of pigs partying and having fun, complete with party hats and streamers............lol............
yeah............i bet they were dancing all the way to the abbatoir.........lol

fluffy

[quirky]

I don't like personification of my supper.

I know for a fact that chicken never wore a tutu or a mortarboard.