This might sound a little funny, coming from me, but maybe you can come up with a solution by compromising a bit. What I mean is, you're already compromising right now, by helping out your grandmother. That's a given.
But what about looking within your community to see if there are any social services you can take advantage of, to help you out a bit? So that for a few hours, you can go out and escape. Maybe do something to help you unwind. Maybe an audition?
I don't know your personal situation, and I don't think it's necessary, bc it sounds like you're at the end of your rope, and don't really have a life to call your own. (many of us here can relate to that)
And it doesn't sound like you have any siblings, cousins or anyone to help you out (do you?)
But I did a little bit of research and saw that the California Dept of Social Services has In-Home Supportive Services for the elderly. (if you already know about this, I apologize)
The requirements are:
- you must be over 65 years of age, OR disabled OR blind. (IHSS is considered an alternative to out-of-home care, such as nursing homes or board and care facilities.)
The types of services which can be authorized through IHSS are:
- housecleaning, meal preparation, laundry, grocery shopping, personal care services (such as bowel and bladder care, bathing, grooming and paramedical services), accompaniment to medical appointments, and protective supervision for the mentally impaired.
Here is the website:
http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/cdssweb/In-HomeSup_173.htm
Sometimes, we need to focus on things, one step at a time, to get ourselves back on track. For some, it may be baby steps, and for the lucky ones, it might be huge strides. But whatever, tackle it like it's algebra and see what happens.
Hope this helps you out a bit.
I really suck at sayings and philosophical musings, but here is a familiar motto I'm presently clinging to, which I've customized a bit.
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And when that doesn't work, try try again. And if that doesn't work, don't give up. If that fails, one more time. If it starts to hurt, give it another shot. When you can't take the pain anymore, repeat the process. And finally, when you're down and out, take another crack at it."