My creative thread ...

lammy · Post by **lammy** » Wed Jun 10, 2009 11:58 pm

I also wrote a new sypnosis... I before was saying synopsis

JAKE is a young man who considers himself a nerd, who is 35 years old and the owner of a donut shop. JAKE is also the manager of six employees working for him that have been and are in trouble with the law and work for him as volunteers. One day one of his EMPLOYEES decides that they need a few days off. The EMPLOYEES take him on a little boat ride and promise to bring a hot date for JAKE. The EMPLOYEES drug JAKE and play a game with him while out on the sea. JAKE plays the game only to be left behind by his EMPOYEES. It’s there on the island where JAKE comes across a shiny object which turns out to be a GENIE bottle. The GENIE helps JAKE with his self esteem while also teaching his EMPLOYEES a lesson in respect. One of the EMPLOYEES plots of a way to steal the GENIE after finding out about the GENIE’S existence.

What does anyone think?

lammy · Post by **lammy** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:24 am

I thought of a log line: A nerds luck changes when he is left behind by his delinquent employees.

And here are four pages that are done with editing.I know already posted these but am happy cause editing is done. The screenplay does look better centered.

FADE IN:

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

ALARM CLOCK
(blares)

It’s donut time…

[JAKE, a 35-year-old man throws a shoe at the alarm clock. The Alarm clock falls and lands on the cat who lays sleeping in its mouse Shaped bed. Belly raises his head and rolls his eyes at Jake. JAKE rocks back and forth a couple of times on his bed. He stops rocking, jumps up, shakes head, sits on the edge of his bed. Jake slips on his big bird slippers]

JAKE
(looks at BELLY)

What are you looking at?

[BELLY hisses at Jake, crawls towards JAKE’S bed]

(looks at his feet, claps his sleepers against one another)

There’s no place like home ... there's no place like home

[BELLY jumps on JAKE’S bed. JAKE stands from his bed and drags himself into the bathroom]

CUT TO

INT.BATHROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[JAKE stands in front of a mirror]

JAKE
(looking in the mirror, sad)

God - another miserable day

(walks to the shower with head down, gets in the shower, shouts)

Belly ... Belly, could you please turn on the radio for me?

CUT TO

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[Belly rolls his eyes, jumps down from the bed, crawl
towards the radio, reaches up to the radio, turns the knob. The radio turns on. A song plays]

FROM THE BATHROOM
JAKE
(shouts)

Thanks Belly

CUT TO
INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[BELLY grins wagging his tail to the beat of the song]

CUT TO

INT.BATHROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[Jake turns off the shower, grabs his Bob the builder towel, dries himself off in the shower. Jake walks towards the mirror]

JAKE
(looking in the mirror)
I’m hot…

(pouts)

CUT TO

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[Jake dances into his room. BELLY wags his tail to the beat of the song. Jake dances to his closet, reaches for a knob next to his closet door, a horn sounds. The closet door slides open automatic after the horn sounds five times]

CUT TO

INT.CLOSET, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[JAKE’S shoes shine. JAKE’S dressy shirts are arranged
by color, size and year. Jake steps into his closet]

CUT TO

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

[JAKE steps out of his closet. BELLY sits on the floor, covers his eyes with his paw. JAKE walks towards his bed room mirror]

JAKE
(looks in the mirror, lifts his pants passed his waist)

Oh gosh ... just when I thought I was getting hot

(takes his taped in the middle glasses out of his shirt pocket, places them on face, frowns ,heads for radio, turns radio off)

JAKE
[sad]

It’s donut time

BELLY
(lowers paw from face)

Meow…

[JAKE winks at BELLY, heads out the door]

CUT TO

EXT.DONUT SHOP/MORNING

[Outside the donut shop are two employees sitting down on the sidewalk drinking beer. There are two that stand near the door]

CUT TO

EXT.SIDEWALK, IN FRONT OF DONUT SHOP/MORNING

[JAKE is crossing the sidewalk, gets splashed with sewer water by a car that drives at a fast speed past him]

JAKE
(stops walking)

Just perfect…

(sighs, takes glasses off, cleans them with his shirt, puts them back on face, nods head side to side walks towards the donut shop)

ROSS
(sitting down with beer in hand)

Ha, ha boss, someone thought you needed a shower this fine early morning

(sips beer)

fluffy · Post by **fluffy** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:08 pm

??.........hasn't that been posted twice already???.............

lammy · Post by **lammy** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:51 pm

Yes but people keep telling me that my format is wrong, so here are the same pages with fixed formatting. The character,movements and dialogue are centered the rest is not. Just really wishing someone took me seriously is all.

FADE IN:

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

ALARM CLOCK
(blares)

It’s donut time…

JAKE, a 35-year-old man throws a shoe at the alarm clock. The Alarm clock falls and lands on the cat who lays sleeping in its mouse Shaped bed. Belly raises his head and rolls his eyes at Jake. JAKE rocks back and forth a couple of times on his bed. He stops rocking, jumps up, shakes head, sits on the edge of his bed. Jake slips on his big bird slippers.

JAKE
(looks at BELLY)

What are you looking at?

BELLY hisses at Jake, crawls towards JAKE’S bed.

(looks at his feet, claps his sleepers against one another)

There’s no place like home ... there's no place like home

BELLY jumps on JAKE’S bed. JAKE stands from his bed and drags himself into the bathroom.

INT.BATHROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

JAKE stands in front of a mirror.

JAKE
(looking in the mirror, sad)

God - another miserable day

(walks to the shower with head down, gets in the shower, shouts)

Belly ... Belly, could you please turn on the radio for me?

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

Belly rolls his eyes, jumps down from the bed, crawl
towards the radio, reaches up to the radio, turns the knob. The radio turns on. A song plays.

FROM BATHROOM
JAKE
(shouts)

Thanks Belly

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

BELLY grins wagging his tail to the beat of the song.

INT.BATHROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

Jake turns off the shower, grabs his Bob the builder towel, dries himself off in the shower. Jake walks towards the mirror.

JAKE
(looking in the mirror)
I’m hot…

(pouts)

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

Jake dances into his room. BELLY wags his tail to the beat of the song. Jake dances to his closet, reaches for a knob next to his closet door, a horn sounds. The closet door slides open automatic after the horn sounds five times.

INT.CLOSET, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

JAKE’S shoes shine. JAKE’S dressy shirts are arranged
by color, size and year. Jake steps into his closet.

INT.BED ROOM, JAKE’S APARTMENT/MORNING

JAKE steps out of his closet. BELLY sits on the floor, covers his eyes with his paw. JAKE walks towards his bed room mirror.

JAKE
(looks in the mirror, lifts his pants passed his waist)

Oh gosh ... just when I thought I was getting hot

(takes his taped in the middle glasses out of his shirt pocket, places them on face, frowns ,heads for radio, turns radio off)

JAKE
(sad)

It’s donut time

BELLY
(lowers paw from face)

Meow…

JAKE winks at BELLY, heads out the door.

EXT.DONUT SHOP/MORNING

Outside the donut shop are two employees sitting down on the sidewalk drinking beer. There are two that stand near the door.

EXT.SIDEWALK, DONUT SHOP/MORNING

JAKE is crossing the sidewalk, gets splashed with sewer water by a car that drives at a fast speed past him.

JAKE
(stops walking)

Just perfect…

(sighs, takes glasses off, cleans them with his shirt, puts them back on face, nods head side to side walks towards the donut shop)

ROSS
(sitting down with beer in hand)

Ha, ha boss, someone thought you needed a shower this fine early morning

(sips beer)

JAKE
(taking keys out of his pocket, looks at ROSS)

You know - you are not supposed to be drinking while on the job

ROSS
(stands, points to beer])

Oh this? This is my medicine

(takes gulp of beer, burps, wipes his mouth, throws beer on sidewalk)

JAKE nods head side to side while opening the
Donut shop. TIM, Jim, MIKE laugh.

JAKE
(opens donut shop door, holds door open)

Okay delinquents ... It’s donut time

INT.DINNING ROOM, DONUT SHOP/MORNING

ROSS, TIM, Jim, MIKE entering the shop.

JAKE
(walks behind MIKE as he enters the shop, scratches head)

Aren't we missing someone?

MIKE
(sits down)

Yeah boss…

(smirks)

They are out back doing the Lambada

JAKE
(walks to the door)

Great! You guys start your duties while I go separate those two
Animals

EXT.DONUT SHOP/MORNING

JAKE walks around the back of the shop, takes a peak around the corner. ROLAND is behind STEPHANIE pulling on her hair.

JAKE
(screams)

Holy Jesus!

STEPHANIE turns around lowers her skirt. ROLAND pulls up his pant. ROLAND walks towards JAKE buttoning his pants.

ROLAND
(puts arm around JAKE)

Have you never had sex?

(grins)

It's no big deal

STEPHANIE walks towards ROLAND and JAKE.

JAKE
(Upset)

I am not paying you guys to make out! C'mon let's go to work

JAKE, ROLAND and STEPHANIE walk towards the entrance of the shop. ROLAND looks at STEPHANIE while she walks in front of them.

ROLAND
(hugs Jake really tight)

Wow boss - what an ass on that bitch

JAKE fixes taped in the middle glasses.

By the way boss ... you smell really bad!

INT.DINNING ROOM, DONUT SHOP/MORNING

ROLAND,STEPHANIE and JAKE enter the donut shop.

JAKE
(walks towards his office, shouts)

Just get to work all of you!

fluffy · Post by **fluffy** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:41 am

is that the last one???.............you're repeating in triplicate now....

....
Format doesn't matter here Lammy.........you've already got the story and the screenplay on here twice..........

you don't need to add pages with changes..........everyone appreciates what you've already done and all the hard work involved..........

And i hear what you're saying re being taken seriously Lammy.......

......this is the wrong place though..........you need to find a site with folk that know more about it than us..

..........i wish i was more able to help but i'll be in the same situation myself in 6 months........lol......and i'll need to learn what to do then too..........lol....

can i ask which Screenwriting software you use??????

lammy · Post by **lammy** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:10 pm

The last pages I posted on here was from me looking at a screenplay. It sucks how everyone rather be a critic than to actually help...

fluffy · Post by **fluffy** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 3:08 pm

Who do you mean by everyone???........

......We're not trained screenwriters here Lammy we can't give you the help you are demanding because we don't know how..

..................Only you can make the changes you need to make........you need to be a wee bit more patient and it will be great.

.......the Myspace folks seem to know what they are talking about.........we certainly don't

.........but we've certainly been supportive, you gotta give us credit for that........

'Screenwriting for Dummies' is a kinda fun introduction to the job though.........i've got it and it's well worth a read.....

lammy · Post by **lammy** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:27 am

Thanx fluffy. I never meant anyone on this site was a critic. I have seen other scripts and the last pages I posted is close to what I have seen. People just say that I write too many movements for the characters, but I can't help that. It is better appreciated when seen how it really looks formatted. Anyways, thanx. Will finish formatting it and wait until it gets noticed it's all I can really do.