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Can anyone give me some advice -- I don't know what to do anymore!

I've been in a relationship with someone (let's call him "David" - not his real name) for a little over three years. I wasn't planning on doing this -- it just happened. We met, we connected, and I haven't been the same since. I didn't know being in love could be so cruel.

We talked about getting married, where to live, where to honeymoon, school for our children -- the whole thing. The only thing is that I'm in an abusive relationship with my husband, and am afraid to tell him that I want to leave. I keep telling "David" about this, but he won't believe me. Usually, whenever I start talking about my husband, he won't listen.

He wants me to leave, but he won't help me. I want him to help me do this, because I can't confront my husband on my own. He has threatened me in the past, and I'm afraid of him.

So, in the meantime, I keep meeting "David" (who lives out of town) and he has been dating other women, to get me jealous. I didn't realize he was doing this at first, but we have mutual friends who have kept me in the loop. I didn't want to believe them, because whenever we meet, he tells me how much he loves me, and how crazy he is without me.

But around a month ago, I saw him with someone with my own eyes. I have refused to meet him, but he still calls me everyday. I feel cheap, used and stupid. His girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous, and our friends tell me that contrary to what I've been hearing, he's only going out with her because I refuse to leave my husband.

He won't stop talking to me. I try not to answer the phone, but he emails me and text messages me. But all we've been doing for the past couple of months is argue. He won't leave his girlfriend unless I leave my husband, and everytime I say, well, can you help me then? I can't do this on my own - David just says, you're full of shit.

He did let out once that if what I'm saying is true (and my life with my husband is this bad) that he wouldn't know how to deal with it. He has serious issues dealing with pain. Therefore, because he can't deal with my life, he prefers to believe that I'm full of shit and that I'm giving him excuses so that he can feel sorry for me.

Isn't that stupid? According to "David" I'm telling him I'm in a bad situation because I really don't want to leave my husband!!! It makes no sense, and that's part of my frustration.

Sometimes, I just think he's the one who's feeding me bullshit. Maybe he's the one who really doesn't want me to be with him, because what he's saying doesn't make sense.

I just want him to give me the benefit of the doubt, but he refuses. So I'm trying to break up with him, but he won't stop talking to me. I think he thinks I'll leave my husband eventually, it's just a matter of time.

So in the meantime, he flaunts his relationships with other women in front of my face, and doesn't seem to care how it affects me. He doesn't understand that jealousy doesn't bring people together, it drives them apart.

This pain is unbearable. I wish I could stop talking to him, but I can't. I'm holding on to the fact that maybe, possibly, he'll help me.

He even knows I post here, and that my name is "Filomena", but he won't read my posts bc I told him that I've told the posters here that I'm not happily married and that my husband is abusive. He's too afraid, I guess.

Sorry for the long post. I need help. Anyone?

Send you a PM.

Hey girl, you sound too good for either of them.........To be scared of your husband is a terrible burden to bare........Can you live like that for the rest of your life??.........and your Lover doesn't seem to respect you or is serious enough to give you any genuine support............
You need to look inside yourself and ask what you really want and need ........you're still young, too young to feel so trapped........You deserve a man who loves and respects you, he's gonna be out there somewhere.........
Is there someone you can talk to in the meantime?..........perhaps moving out is the right idea.........but not to live with a bloke........but to sort your head out and let you breathe.............

hugs
fluffy

The only thing is that I'm in an abusive relationship with my husband

Call the police and press charges. They will help you into a safe home with your kids, who will need a lot of attention to understand and recover from the shock of it.

Your boyfriend sounds like a loser. You *do* deserve better...but you have to acknowledge your role in all of this. Do you pick guys who like to hurt women?

Look, having made a lot of mistakes myself, I don't always give the right advice.

Thanks for your help in this.

Fluffy -- you're right. I do need to move out and re-assess everything. I stay awake at night, just trying to figure it all out. I can't live like this for the rest of my life, and I can't waste the rest of my life, hoping for miracles.

Quirky-- the relationship is primarily mentally abusive. Not too many people understand that, and what happens to people when they live like this. And unfortunately, calling the police, just makes things worse. A friend of mine went through something similar, and the police said to her, well, it's a good thing you didn't try to defend yourself, otherwise, we would have had to call Children's Aid, and you could have lost the children. Isn't that nice? I don't know what it's like in the U.S., but in Canada, the abused woman is always made to feel like it's her fault.

Plus my main problem is my overly analytical mind, trying to asses what my husband would do. In many cases, just leaving an abusive relationship means trouble. He's jealous possessive, and he also relies on my for everything. He supresses his anger, and if I were to leave him, guess where he's going to redirect that anger? Just open a paper, and look at the latest headline about a woman's quick demise at the hands of a psycotic spouse.

As for "David" -- he's driving me crazy. He's a spoiled brat, who doesn't recognize a good thing when it's staring at him in the face, and I've decided I've given him enough opportunities. He can't continue to torment me like this. And his arguments sound pithy to me. He's lost me.

I have to sort this out on my own. And no more communication with David. You're right Quirky-- he is a loser.

I'll ask my angels to help. They got me into this mess -- they can get me out. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Filomena, if a man can be mentally abusive to you, he can be physically abusive, regarding your lover, and as for your husband, it can only get worse and you don't want your kids to be hurt either, get the hell out of there, both relationships and protect your kids and yourself, call the cops if something suspicious is going on when you leave...I dunno, I've never been in an abusive relationship and I don't date cuz men are jerks so I'm just going by what I've heard and what I think could happen...

Fily hon......, you sound exhausted by it all..........it's easy to lose site of you when you're in a relationship........you need to find that girl again......When that girl realises that she's worth so much more, happiness will come looking for her............ .......David's blown it....he's playing head-games.........and you know your marriage is in serious trouble.........if you think it's worth saving then you'll need some marriage counselling..........if it's not make plans ..........then when you're ready you'll have your escape route............Your happiness is worth everything........please believe that..........

fluffy

You're smack dab in the middle of a soap opera. My advice to you is to look at your situation from that perspective. What would you be yelling at the TV screen if you saw a character in your shoes?

If your marriage is un-salvagable, if the love you once had (yes it WAS there) can no longer be retrieved, and he won't change the way he acts towards you then you HAVE to get away. I don't endorse divorce, but there are exceptions, and I believe you're living one of them. You can't live your lif in fear, there are people who can help you. If your husbands only psychologically abusive, then you have reasonable fears. If he's openly threatened you then you CAN go to the cops. And they HAVE to help you.
I'm glad you decided to break yourself off from David. He doesn't love you. If he's not willing to help you in your time of need, he's not good for anything, and he doesn't deserve you. He can't protect you, and he's TERRIBLE husband material.
So, you're already on your way to happiness. . . I advise exactly what most everyone else here has. You have to seperate yourself from both of those men, and live as a single woman with your children for a while before you attempt to date again. Prince charming is out there, someone who will love you and provide for you, you just have to stop searching for men who resemble knights, and wait for the true man in shining armor.

ahhh wise words grathoppa.................lol.........

fluffy

You can't live your lif in fear, there are people who can help you. If your husbands only psychologically abusive, then you have reasonable fears. If he's openly threatened you then you CAN go to the cops. And they HAVE to help you.

Speaking from the U.S. perspective...

http://www.justice.gc.ca/en/ps/fm/spouseafs.html

http://www.gov.on.ca/ont/portal/!ut/p/. ... BUSE-INDEX

Are these possible resources?

You could also maybe speak to a lawyer and find out what you can do?

i think it's the fear that things will get worse if you try to leave that makes people stay....but you just have to be strong 'cuz deep down you probably know that leaving is the best thing for everyone involved, right...? i know it was in my case, and it was the hardest thing i've ever done, but it got easier after a while. now i just wish i'd done it sooner....!

You know in your heart what you need to do, don't you?.........the answers there..............we are just confirming your thoughts....
stay strong.......

fluffy

Here's my take.

You are having an affair with another man while being married to another. How does this make your lover feel?

Anyone who purposely inflicts pain on a person they "love" is not the person you want to be involved with. If your friend treated you like shit, you would cut them off. People who truely love you do not inflict pain, with words, with fists or with actions. Controlling is not love. Period. You can't expect others to help you, you have to do it on your own. Take charge of your life.

My Grandmother, in the 1950's, when you stood by your man no matter what, found out my Grandfather had an affair with a woman and the woman had a child by him. He told her that the woman was coming to live with them and she was to help her raise the child. My Grandmother called my Dad who lived in California, took all of her belongings to the neighbor's house (who later boxed and mailed them to my Grandma) and she bought a one way bus ticket for both her and my Dad's brother. I find that amazing she had the balls to do that, especially for the time when this would be considered scandalous behavior. He had beat her to the point of hospitalization on more than one occasion. She just couldn't take it anymore. She had no job, no skills and no where to go. My Dad convinced her to get out. The rest she did on her own.

If you have a family support group, I'm sure someone could take you in until you get your life under control. The disfunction of a failed relashionship is not lost on your children. They are more preceptive than you realize.

that's what people lose sight of first...the kids.

fluffy wrote:ahhh wise words grathoppa.................lol.........

fluffy

lol, You don't still think I'm 60 do you??